December 2008
30 posts
The well-dressed chimney sweep always wore a soot .
When it comes to cheeses, demolition experts don’t like cheddar—they prefer de brie.
The anal wand was invented by the ancient Ass Techs.
The biggest critics of the Roman Empire? The censurions.
VP candidate Sarah claims to know that the world was created 6,000 years ago—but most Palin-ontologists would disagree.
Microbes don’t have names—they prize their nanomynity
The Inuit don’t allow females on the hunt. Sadly, there is still a glass sealing.
Bedouin nomads are known for their rooflessness.
How do astronomers make discoveries? By cosmosis.
The old man who slept with three virgins celebrated his cherry-hat-trick.
People with bad handwriting are actually more intelligent. They tend to be very no legible.
The noisiest body of water is not a rushing rapid, but a plain old creek.
After a hard day’s work, Osama bin Laden likes to relax by applying ointments and a soothing bomb.
When they arrested the white-collar criminal he had to be fiscally restrained.
The lawyer who got into cattle breeding put in many build-a-bull hours.
Tightrope walkers have to be well taut.
Midgets can’t be more than four feet high. That is a too-tall-ogy.
Until Pythagoras was able to formulate his famous theorem about 90-degree-angle triangles, he considered himself a failed righter.
When reporters asked Pierre Trudeau if his carpet would ever match his drapes, he replied “Just swatch me!”
Before proving his own existence, Rene Descartes proved that Mexican food causes flatulence—with his famous aphorism, “burrito, air go boom!”
Those who take the Old Testament literally tend to have a Moab mentality.
Early astronauts had it tough: they worked in Apollo-ing conditions.
Name for a Brazilian wax spa: Cleave it to Beaver.
When I worked at the morgue, my zombie friend came in and asked if he eat the brains of the newest corpse. I didn’t care, so I said he cadaver.
The Canadian people will tolerate a dictator. Which is why its parliament is pro-roguing.
People aren’t happy with music DRM laws against CD ripping and burning. There is a lot of disc content.
I slept with a farm animal. In the morning I felt pretty oxward.
I saw a lowlife cruising for loose women on the beach. I said “What kind of conch you buyin’?” He said, “She’s my beach—a shore thing. I don’t care what pebble think, if they sea us together. I hope I end up all tide up.”
The dyslexic husband was arrested for spells-ill abuse.
Do mechanics wear cargo pants?
In marketing news, Viagra has been targeting its product to universities—especially the sophomore students.
November 2008
30 posts
Korean bankers of late have a very won appearance.
Light bulb designers aren’t too bright. You always have to filament.
What did Columbus say when landing his ship among the Indians? “Ahoy there, Metis!”
They found a new way to kill pirates: Gas them with argon.
Arborists are into treesomes. Which leads to a lot of unplant pregnancies.
Getting ‘cold feet’ at your wedding is a medical illness, aka groomatism.
NED: I just ate at a really expensive pancake place… ED: Was it too much money? NED: Absolutely. It was ugly, just a crepe and billage!
The Pied Piper was constantly surrounded by filthy rats, and eventually became known as the Peed Pooper.
Who made a fortune with his empire of constipation software? Bilge Ates.
For a while I was afraid Obama might not win—it was a case of Baracknophobia.
Piracy is big business. It ain’t no Somali change.
I could never have predicted the success of Geddy Lee and Rush. But then again, I’m no progrocksticator.
Sailors only care about themselves. It’s always “Aye, Aye, Aye.”
NED: I’ll never make a pun about sheep incest
ED: C’mon, just lamb poon them a little bit…
NED: There you go again, pressing my muttons!
Keanu Reeves’ bio-pic will be a tale of whoa.
Invest in pottery: you’ll make a kiln.
The patron saint of constipation had a grisly end: he was mar turd.
How do you open a champagne bottle? Brut force.
Hear about the porno sequel to Disney’s Aladdin? I’d Ream A Genie